This month has been uneasy for me, beginning of this year, 4th of January, I woke up with so many messages from all my friends back home. They delivered the most heart breaking news I ever read. My friend, Susan has passed away, in a hospital bed shortly after she delivered a girl twins. I didn’t know what’s the meaning of shock, broken, empty, numb, blank, angry until that specific morning.
What I always do when I heard someone has passed away, I’d ask “how old are they” if the answer is above 70, I’d say “aahh, at least they are old” For sure there will never be an appropriate age to die, it still hurt for anyone who are left behind, trust me I felt that too when I lost my Grandpa in the age of 78. Nevertheless, in my mind, I do believe anything over 70 is simply a bonus. If I heard someone at my age or even younger, but not from anyone I know of, my reaction will be most likely “oh, too bad” I might still feel sad…. (only) for a brief moment.
Until it happened to someone in your Freundeskreis, it hits you differently. My chest was so much in pain to the point where I struggled breathing. I can’t comprehend, we live in year 2022 why there is still a possibility for a mother who deliver her first baby, lost too many blood during the process, in the end cost her life.
I used to think by being 30, you have another status which is equals to old, not an adult anymore, it’s old, accept it. Something along the way “Ah, no, I’m too old for this $h!t, do I really need to study? Mehhh not gonna do it, it’s time to get my $h!t together” blah blah blah. Contrarily, given a context where your own friend who’s the same age like you died whereas you’re still alive?!?! no effing way I’ll ever chose not to do something just because according to the society I’m so-called “old” for as long as I shall live. There are things more liberating in this life other than the fear of being old.
May Evan, the twins, families from both sides be given strength and fortitude. Too young to leave us, thank you so much for the time we shared together during our University in Bandung, as language student in Shanghai or whenever I came back to Jakarta you were the one that still available for me. In memory of Susan.
Not 2 weeks after Susan’s passed, my other friend, Marissa went to hospital as a consequence of her water broke too soon, she was only on her 30 weeks pregnancy. I felt anxious, not sure if the doctor including her will be able to deliver a premature baby. I felt relief and happy when they managed it, the baby was sooooo small- having the same weight like my body lotion- 1,1 kg. It doesn’t matter now, most important is both baby girl plus her mother are healthy. Sadly, it’s only temporary, as short-term as 2 days old. On 17th of January, a young mother had to say goodbye to her new born baby. It never crossed my mind that being pregnant and delivering a baby are mother’s miracle, not everyone can get both.
What I can reflect from this sudden tragedy is how many more times we need to be reminded indeed life is too short. Time is a mysterious thing. Everything can be your last, last time talking to your friend, texting your family, having lunch or dinner with someone. Don’t hold grudges or hatred it’s just not worth any second, life goes by quick. Someday, something will go wrong.
To all people who knows me, there were some time in my past which I wasn’t so proud of, I am sorry and I genuinely wish you well.
Your friend is here… and P.S: She loves you 🙂